difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

Like carrying a heavy bag for a long time, you stop really noticing until you put it down, then oh, the relief! Theyre either in or theyre out! Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). I am able to focus on the crap he did and realize I do not want another helping. I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. The difference depends on your relationship and personality. Youve already been supportive to me and I really appreciate it from you and all the others. ", "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at Ambrosia Treatment Center, told INSIDER. Have I forgiven them? Its also not a punishment.New year, new no. Don't get me wrong, Penn gets upset. Having to go somewhat underground, watching my back, getting legal involved and emotionally bottoming out. So glad youre out of that horrific situation. Or are you really a grudge holder yourself? Aw mymble, I didnt know it was so bad. When the anger, blame, shame and resentment dictates and we cant shake it off because were caught between a rock and a hard place that on one hand says, For fecks sake! Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. anyways, i still miss my ex and his daughter. Ready. I just cant and wont do things from a place of anxiety because it wreaks havoc on my nervous system. LOL Very true.Truth be told I do miss him but after reflecting on it, I really havent done anything wrong and further more the question is ..Is this Good for me? Order your copy (link in bio)#recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #healthyboundaries #healthyrelationships #baggagereclaim #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #thejoyofsayingno, When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. I hear you. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. We dont need to do any of these things for others or to ourselves. In all honesty, only a few. Then I decided that the bigger person would forgive except forgiveness wasnt really in my agenda. Because love and connection doesnt make sense in a situation like that. Be aware that forgiveness is a process. Sandy, I am proud of you, too. LavendarHow many adult men do you know who brag about bedding sluts and loose women but in reality respect/like women and are monogamous and faithful? Thank you so much. A person who says hes not ready for a relationship then goes back to the dating website does not know what he wants, but its sure to be an emotional bufferhe wants a woman who he can use as a sponge to absorb all of his pain and issues. ", When you think about them, your feelings are negative, "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at, told INSIDER. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". Forgiveness isnt about pretending the person didnt do anything wrong. I will not hold a grudge and I will not press the reset button. B.c I have to admit I am ropable & Im DONE with trying to b the bigger person re someone with the audacity to accuse me of lying abt being physically abused by HER & covertly sexually abused by not one but TWO of her sicko boyfriends as a child! We are all human beings, meaning we are entitled to do things that others are not okay with at some point or another. Forgiveness is to be a liberator, an emancipator, a freer of spirits once shackled by mistakes of the past. After spending years with someone to have no last words at all is bizarre. Not at all. He will tell you a bunch of shitty lies anyway. Why? Right now, its my faith that is getting me a bit balled up in what I think and do. Needless to say, I did not return her call and havent spoken to her since. The Bible says to bless those who curse us. So I relented. I love what you said about real friends would support you, see your reason for NC and not have him showing up ay parties you will be coming to. Theyre either in or theyre out!When you say no to being in one-sided and lopsided relationships, you say yes to loving yourself and prioritising mutually fulfilling relationships with love, care, trust and respect.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad. He tried to get me to meet him and called but I just texted and escalated after some wine. If you can find the strength, run, dont walk. And I didnt. Fleeing is moving rapidly in the opposite direction, not dithering about to tell someone who doesnt even care that you forgive them. I feel awful at the moment and I dont want you or anyone else to even try to understand why. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. My story in short: Met my AC 3 years ago, and over the course of our on-off relationship what I found the hardest to handle was that he was cozying up to all my close friends, and appropriating my family of friends as his own. He was not dropping it, he was taking it to a new height and I fell for it. We got back together after the second break up and now he doesnt want a committed relationship and we broke up again-this time I with him as his behavior was so HURTFUL. You speak your mind and I appreciate this about your posts. And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. Six weeks laterhe reappeared in my city on his way to a job in a neighboring state. Smart, intelligent, attractive constantly seducing women. The Big Question: Will he try to get in contact with me? It is far more powerful than breaking it to talk to him. I pray he finds what he wants in this life but I realise his divorce messed him up bigtime but it is not my responsibility to fix anyone we make decisions in life and we deal with the consequences. I do not think he knows that I know this or that he is married. include protected health information. What your friends ex is probably trying to do is blacken her name, hurt her if you become friends with him etc etc. Dont they usually tell recovering addicts to not associate w people they knew, or certain places? There's a difference between "forgiving" and moving on. But I fear that I can slip anyday, and become trusting/gullible or a people pleaser and this post reminds me not to. We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. . We also stand to lose an opportunity to learn from who weve been at different points in our life because we keep squashing down truths out of fear of looking bad and even a sense of guilt that we remember something. These Are 5 Ways Narcissists Use Projection. I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. Let's talk about the difference between healthy anger and holding a grudge. When all is said and done, the best revenge is your own happiness and success. Silva RS, et al. That means different things to different folks but if hes trying to touch you up for a bit on the side or fun at your expense, feel free to flee away! The difference in these recent EUM situations I was in, is that I never got emotionally invested. He emailed last night and it didnt make me feel better. That just comes with time and distance. I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. She would actually get mad at me, my relationship w her was at stake. No mother its you. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! I hate having to tell people about the split, and expose myself to their judgements but I try not to worry about it, after all they were not married to him. What you said struck a chord with me, that you can engage superficially with an EU romantic prospect but keep them at arms length. Anyways my first thought was to text him and tell him I forgive you and there are no hard feeling since our last interaction 7 wks ago me telling him to stop calling, it made me feel super guilty and I felt bad for him. Please be more discriminating in the future. If you have a parent, friend, *someone* in your life that feels perpetually disappointed in you and maybe even feels entitled to make their feelings and issues your problem, its okay to say no to this malarkey.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want is out now. What better reason can anyone need? Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. They dont want to look like a bad or unforgiving person and their show of faith that theyre not carrying around resentment, hurt or hostility is to squash down their feelings, opinions, needs, expectations, and wishes, as well as excessive use of the Reset Button erasing the past and conveniently resetting your recollection of things to a point in the past that allows you to pretend as if what followed never happened. He also told me that he has at least six booty call women he calls up when he needs them. This for my own sake. I have to say thanks to Natalies posts, and all your comments and support, I feel a whole lot stronger. I forgive him and have prayed about it. I used to believe that remembering the past only had anger and hurt in it but by remembering and processing it with a perspective thats been increasingly informed by self-care, Im at peace with me and because Im not carrying a load of blame and resentment, I can choose what types of interactions I want to have with a person based on a healthier perspective and manage myself accordingly, safe in the knowledge that Im doing my best to respect each of us in reality instead of being mired in BS. Im sure she doesnt know he overlapped us for many months at the least. pull the focus back on you.) Lizzie, sad to say, but i am anything but young, in fact I am quite old. It's about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. There have been many dramatic scenes during which I talked too much and he apologized, mostly sincerely. I wouldnt friend zone this guy either, he doesnt sound like good friend material, he sounds like exactly what he says he is, an ass. This is an amazing light shed on what could become a problem for me. Yes, you are correct-breaking the no contact would be a way in which to stay connected and see if yet there is a chance he will commit and to communicate my hurt and anger.